aku, aku, aku...

aku tak tahu

aku tak tahu nak tulis ape

ade something in my mind

i'm thinking to write about it

but

i can't

i hate this feeling

i hate 'em

i can't understand why

someone please explain this to me

can anyone?

lately

i feel very calm when i can talk to shoba

she's not a Muslim

but,

a Hindu's

but

she is a very good person

full with good personality

good morality

even

i think that i'm not as good as her

but

now

she is having a big challenges in her life

that's is how the God test good people

i can see it

i hope that one day she will get 'hidayah'

my feeling is miserable

everything is mixed together

form a new feeling

which

is

MISERABLE

i should talk to Him

because He Is 'Maha Mendengar'

as a hamba should do that

He always loves me

but

i'm the one who always ignored Him

He gives me disease to make me remember Him

but

i'm not remember Him very much

how sin i am

i use the disease to forget Him

oh Allah

please forgive me

i should be thankful because He still remember me

although

i had been like this all this while

i keep thinking about anything else

i keep thinking about a guy that doesn't have any connection with me at all

just

in a name of friends

i wish i can know him further

but

after reading

'Bercinta Sampai ke Syurga by Hasrizal'

i realise that

on what based is my feeling?

do i really ready for the next level of relationship?

is my knowledge enough yet?

am i ready enough?

do i ready to face the new challenges?

and

a lot more questions

this make realise

that

i had something else first that i need no achieve

not only that relationship

my mom always remind me

work first before you marry

so that i can contribute to 'em during their golden days

i'm hoping that they have longer life to see me success in my life

i think that i'm also a thinker person

i always thinking when i'm alone

in a very lonely place

nowadays

i always thinking about something when i am taking my bath

i dunno why

i think that it is the only time i'm alone

i keeps thinking about my mom reminders

they don't care my choice of husband unless the guy are holding to the religion, responsible and can take care of me and most important, can make me happy

with my best friends meera n tiqah

we always discussing what kind of husband we want

i always said i want a guy that is not smoking, religious, responsible and have the sense of humour

i want the sense of humour because my dad is a funny person

my house always being filled with our laughter cuz he keeps making jokes

i loves to see how is the life of my dad and my mom

they didn't couple before

they only use middle person and see each other in a ceremony before both agreed to marry

they only having love after their marriage

yet

they are happy until now

until their golden days

they face many kind of challenges such as poverty n sickness

but

we still such a happy family

my dad fall sick many times

the bad one was when i 4 years old, my dad had stroke

when i was in form 5, he had a crack in his backbone

i hope that i will have a happy marriage

like my parents had

praying to Allah

last2 duk tulis sal benda ni plak

aku pun tak berapa nak faham dah dgn otak aku